Comments on Jump off the Bridge: Cracking Myself Open

Hey Constantina, Thanks so much for your comment!...

2010-12-13T15:27:14.226-05:00

Hey Constantina,

Thanks so much for your comment! The communication thing is a constant struggle for me. I can't say I've really mastered the art of communication when it comes to open relationships, finding that I, too, communicate the shit out of things whereas other people are more "whatever happens, happens."

One thing that has definitely helped is more of a "raise the red flag" mentality. Basically, if he doesn't bring anything up, then I can assume that things are still fine on his end, and I try to not over-communicate unless something is actually bothering me. In practice, this isn't always that easy, especially since I'm still left wondering what he's really feeling, but at least it saves us the constant arguments. In the end, I think the most important thing is to trust your gut and be completely honest. If something doesn't bother you, then don't bring it up or over-analyze it. If something does bother you, then bring it up asap so that you can start fixing it.

Hope that helps, and feel free to email me if you want to talk more about it :) frausally@gmail.com

Hi, Sorry to see this lovely post got trolled to...

2010-12-07T14:49:30.375-05:00

Hi,

Sorry to see this lovely post got trolled towards the end of comments there...

I wanted to ask if you have, since this posting, found some ways to deal with your communication gap? I've been poly for about 3 years now, and it's only been hard in the past year because we've hit some small roadbumps that.. what's a good analogy... revealed flaws in the axel?

Basically, we suck at communicating through difficulties, mostly because he is a "let it go, let it be, move on," type, and I am a "lets communicate the boogers out of this until we're absolutely sure we both know where we are and what we're thinking."

We're trying to find common ground, and since it sounds like you have similar communication patterns (if I read that right), I thought I'd see if you could offer some guidance on the topic.

Thanks!

~ C

I think one cannot be truly committed to anothe...

2009-08-20T16:14:35.285-04:00
I think one cannot be truly committed to another person when they're sleeping with whomever catches their fancy.

Why not?

I find it dangerous from a health standpoint, and from an emotional standpoint.

Provided one takes precautions with sex, having a lot of it or having it with several people isn't an issue.

And how is it dangerous from an emotional standpoint? If several people are happier together with each other instead of just as couples, I would say its more dangerous emotionally to be monogamous.

In regular circles, they just call that "cheating", or "infidelity".

Cheating is simply a violation of the boundaries of the relationship. Poly relationships often have boundaries too and therefore have situations they would denote as cheating.

In my case, having sex with someone without notifying your other partner(s), having sex unsafely or having sex with someone deemed to be dangerous or unsafe in general for you and the group is cheating.

Serious entitlement.

So relationships aren't supposed to be fulfilling then...?

That, and in the history of romance, I've never seen a poly relationship succeed. Every single one of them fails.

90% of the monoamorous relationships I've seen have failed (especially marriages). I guess monogamy must be totally broken as a concept.

...wait, we forgot about confounding variables; like incompatibility, logistics issues, trust problems, abuse, emotional problems and the simple drifting apart that happens surprisingly often to people (leading to a very successful mutual friendly split).

All the poly people I've seen are depressed, unhappy, and unsatisfied, but always claim it has nothing to do with their dysfunctional relationship style.

Odd, nearly all the monoamorous people I've seen exhibit those traits too. It must be their relationship style, because you know, personally experienced correlation is always causation! Darn statistics. XD

...i guess that all depends on your definition of ...

2009-08-20T14:50:03.496-04:00
...i guess that all depends on your definition of failure.

poly relationships arent considered failures if they end or move on. mostly because its an agreement...ALL of it. failure places blame. if theres blame to be placed, that means the agreement (whatever it was) was broken. poly, if done right, should be an open discussion. if both people agree that the arangement isnt working, then its not a failure.

Well, I'm allowed to think that. Nobod...

2009-08-20T14:15:07.870-04:00
Well, I'm allowed to think that.
Nobody said you weren't.

I think one cannot be truly committed to another person when they're sleeping with whomever catches their fancy.
Poly relationships are not only about sex. And poly relationships are about being committed to multiple people.

I find it dangerous from a health standpoint, and from an emotional standpoint.
Most people in nonmonogamous relationships set up rules and boundaries to protect their sexual health. They differ in practice probably as often as they do in monogamous relationships.

In regular circles, they just call that "cheating", or "infidelity".
The entire concept of cheating is breaking some sort of agreement within a relationship. If consenting adults enter an agreement that says they can have relationships (sexual or otherwise) with other people, this is not cheating. Furthermore, nonmonogamous relationships also have problems with cheating: if you break the rules you set in place, you have cheated.

I find them plain disgusting.
I have no response to this.

In my mind, it amounts to wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Serious entitlement.
This is because we live in a society that stigmatizes nonmonogamy. There is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and others about your needs and then having them fulfilled. If it doesn't work for you (i.e. - if your important needs can be fulfilled by one person, and the other needs don't matter), then that's fine. But for others, it's not.

That, and in the history of romance, I've never seen a poly relationship succeed. Every single one of them fails.
I have seen several succeed, so this is a bit of a pointless argument. I've seen more monogamous relationships fail than succeed, which is part of the reason I started considering nonmonogamy. Our personal experiences and observations shape our preferences later in life. It's as simple as that.

All the poly people I've seen are depressed, unhappy, and unsatisfied, but always claim it has nothing to do with their dysfunctional relationship style.
It is completely possible that these people are depressed, unhappy and unsatisfied because their relationships were unfulfilling, or because nonmonogamy was not for them. That doesn't mean that nonmonogamous relationship are wrong -- it means that it doesn't work for everybody, just like monogamous relationships don't work for everybody but also aren't inherently wrong.

Well, I'm allowed to think that. I think one ...

2009-08-20T13:55:48.775-04:00
Well, I'm allowed to think that. I think one cannot be truly committed to another person when they're sleeping with whomever catches their fancy.

I find it dangerous from a health standpoint, and from an emotional standpoint.

In regular circles, they just call that "cheating", or "infidelity".

I find them plain disgusting.

In my mind, it amounts to wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Serious entitlement.

That, and in the history of romance, I've never seen a poly relationship succeed. Every single one of them fails.

All the poly people I've seen are depressed, unhappy, and unsatisfied, but always claim it has nothing to do with their dysfunctional relationship style.

Thanks so much everyone for commenting. =) Oh, an...

2009-08-19T16:00:42.905-04:00
Thanks so much everyone for commenting. =)

Oh, and I'll keep in mind that somebody, somewhere out there thinks open relationships are disgusting.

Open relationships are disgusting.

2009-08-19T15:57:03.123-04:00
Open relationships are disgusting.

I followed you hear from Shakesville and Feministe...

2009-08-18T23:13:48.987-04:00
I followed you hear from Shakesville and Feministe (great guest posts, btw).
Looking forward to hearing more about your experiences and growing pains with polyamory, frau. I'm just diving into nonmonogamy myself, but from the position of a single person who's not interested in any primary relationship right now.

For me and my partner, generally "jealousy&qu...

2009-08-17T14:20:59.217-04:00
For me and my partner, generally "jealousy" is more of an expression that one of us feels like we haven't gotten enough time together. So more of a loneliness and "missing you" feeling.

Having been a part of a three part poly group (triangular, we all dated each other) I can say that the most important parts are trust, honesty (with yourself too) and communication. Being open and honest about your insecurities or needs is the key way to find the roots to problematic emotions like jealousy. Communicating makes sure everyone is informed and knows what's happening. And trust is just necessary to have a relationship at all really.

One of the things that really burns me is when people talk about how me and my partner splitting from that other partner together is a failing of poly. Just because someone is poly doesn't mean that they aren't abusive or damaging and that is, in the end, why things broke apart. Because that third partner was abusive and harmful and would have been so even in a monoamorous relationship.

...wow. :)

2009-08-17T11:36:59.381-04:00
...wow. :)

Hmm... I didn't even realize that I was doing ...

2009-08-17T09:35:07.333-04:00
Hmm... I didn't even realize that I was doing that, Meg Que. Reading back now, I see what you mean though. I was just trying to give examples of sexual needs and emotional needs, but then lumped compersion with the sexual needs.

Thanks for pointing it out -- hopefully I haven't confused too many people and they'll have checked the link if they were curious. Grr, that was careless of me.

I enjoyed your post, but one thing stuck just a va...

2009-08-17T01:20:58.898-04:00
I enjoyed your post, but one thing stuck just a vaguely sour point with me. You seem to be saying that compersion is a sexual feeling. I think as a generally rule this is not what people mean when they use this word.

Getting turned on by your partner being turned on by other people would be a kink. Compersion is more subtle than that, just feeling happy because your partner his happy. To feel anther's happiness as if it were your own.

For example, my wife is currently courting a lovely young lady. I know when she is talking/txting/aiming her, because she gets this adorable besotted smile on her face. This bring a very warm and happy feeling to me. That is compersion.

I've always said that a successful relationshi...

2009-08-16T22:33:57.908-04:00
I've always said that a successful relationship requires a Bachelor's Degree in communication while poly requires a Masters degree. Keep reminding yourself of that and I'm sure the negotiating will get easier in time.

I must admit that I hesitated to use the term &quo...

2009-08-16T14:57:22.099-04:00
I must admit that I hesitated to use the term "get" in that way, but I decided to use it because it's what I thought best described how I am laying out my relationship.

Nonmonogamy has certain concepts that are central to making the relationships work. The ones I chose to highlight are the ones that seem to pose the biggest challenge for people I've spoken to.

I would also say that you can "get" these concepts and simply apply them to monogamy. They are not exclusive to nonmonogamy, they just come up as central challenges and hurdles to overcome. Similarly, I would say that you can be nonmonogamous and not apply these concepts in the same way I've laid out. There is a big range in nonmonogamous experiences after all.

FSB -- I think it is great that you've found a...

2009-08-16T14:15:22.089-04:00
FSB -- I think it is great that you've found a relationship style that works for you and someone else who shares that with you.

At the same time, to me your post reads as setting up your own philososphy as the ideal. eg, the fact that you refer to what works for you as "getting it" suggests that those who experience jealousy and monogamy in other ways don't get it.

I would instead propose that a different vocabulary besides "getting it" makes sense. I am in a monogamous relationship but don't experience debilitating jealousy as we don't cheat and we feel free to look at and fantasize about others but not any overwhelming temptation to act on those feelings. That works for me and, I believe, him, and I don't see it as "not getting" anything.
Similarly, I wouldn't characterize someone for whom a different paradigm than mine works for them as "not getting it" and would encourage others to characterize their own happy mediums as "working for me" rather than "getting it."

Thanks Chally! It's good to know that people a...

2009-08-16T12:35:59.050-04:00
Thanks Chally! It's good to know that people are getting something out of it, if only exposure to people who practice nonmonogamy. I think a lot of the misconception can be cleared up by talking more openly about these issues.

Thanks for stopping by Amy! So far, our communication with each other's interests has been good. We've spent time together in social settings and alone. It's a bit of a strange situation, but I try to make sure everyone is comfortable. I'm still trying to find a balance with that -- I don't want to seem like I'm too in the mix, but I also want everyone to be on the same page.

As a longtime poly person, I'd like to say I t...

2009-08-16T09:51:17.709-04:00
As a longtime poly person, I'd like to say I think you're doing everything right -- including (and especially) not expecting perfection from yourself or your partner, or either of your lovers.

You WILL be surprised -- sometimes pleasantly, sometimes unpleasantly. And often we only find out what our boundaries are when we trip over them.

Question: How is your communication with each others' close friends and love interests? I've found building those bridges for direct communication can make all the difference down the line.

- Amy Gahran

Hey, Sally. Just to say that I've been learnin...

2009-08-15T22:06:03.664-04:00
Hey, Sally. Just to say that I've been learning so much reading your posts on this. I think it's pretty cool you've acknowledged and honoured your feelings, which is so often a struggle, whatever they're about. xx

Comments on Jump off the Bridge: Cracking Myself Open

Hey Constantina, Thanks so much for your comment!...

Hi, Sorry to see this lovely post got trolled to...

I think one cannot be truly committed to anothe...

...i guess that all depends on your definition of ...

Well, I'm allowed to think that. Nobod...

Well, I'm allowed to think that. I think one ...

Thanks so much everyone for commenting. =) Oh, an...

Open relationships are disgusting.

I followed you hear from Shakesville and Feministe...

For me and my partner, generally "jealousy&qu...

...wow. :)

Hmm... I didn't even realize that I was doing ...

I enjoyed your post, but one thing stuck just a va...

I've always said that a successful relationshi...

I must admit that I hesitated to use the term &quo...

FSB -- I think it is great that you've found a...

Thanks Chally! It's good to know that people a...

As a longtime poly person, I'd like to say I t...

Hey, Sally. Just to say that I've been learnin...